


you're not your own

by wolfsbanex



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Eating Disorders, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Non AU, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Harm, friendships, learning to love yourself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-07-24 15:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16178381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfsbanex/pseuds/wolfsbanex
Summary: Donghyuck feels like he's on top of the world. NCT is doing well, he's getting closer and closer to Mark whom he's in love with and a new comeback is right around the corner. Then, their new choreographer is introduced to them and one incident shatters his entire world to pieces.





	1. cold days and cold encounters

**Author's Note:**

> ENGLISH ISN'T MY FIRST LANGUAGE!  
> \- this au is going to tackle some dark themes, so beware!  
> \- the rape scene will probably be a bit graphic, i'll put a disclaimer onto the chapter that will contain it.  
> \- this fanfic is an outlet for me to heal from traumatic events that happened to me in the past and the way it destroyed myself and my body, so if you get triggered easily this au could get hard to read at one point.  
> \- enjoy! :)

He still remembers the day he met the man who destroyed his life. Even years after, Donghyuck would always be able to describe their first meeting and how the mans gaze made uncomfortable shivers run down his back.  
  
It was a cold day, december in seoul. Donghyuck and the rest of his hyungs were wrapped in thick sweaters, jackets and scarfs, while their hair was getting tousled underneath their hats. Hyuck loved winter. He parts his cherry pink lips, inhaling the crisp air. Another hand slips into his, holding tightly onto him. "What are you thinking about?" asks Mark and glances at him.  
  
Donghyuck blushes furiously, nuzzling into his scarf to hide the red colour blooming on his cheeks. Mark smiles softly. "You." mumbles Hyuck, focusing his eyes onto the road underneath his boots and the chatter of their hyungs who were walking in front.  
  
"You're so cute", cooes Mark, pressing a peck onto the side of Donghyucks face. The younger boy shivers when Marks warm lips meet his cold skin. "Shut up!" hisses Donghyuck, but with no real bite behind the words. "Come on, we're almost at the company!" yells Yuta, waving at the two youngest to hurry up.  
  
Huddled together in the corner of the practice room, the nct members were waiting for their manager and the new choreographer they were supposed to meet. Donghyucks head was placed in Marks lap, with the older running his fingers through it, lightly massaging his scalp.  
  
Sicheng was wrapped in Yutas arms, his head on his boyfriends' chest. Donghyuck feels a weird feeling of happiness bubble up inside of him when looking at the couple. Yuta had courted the chinese boy for so long, having to deal with one-sided love and affection for a while before Sicheng finally melted and let his guard down around Yuta. It was cute to see, how the feisty chinese would turn into an innocent puppy thristing for Yutas love and affection. There was something so special about them. Everyone was envious about their relationship.  
  
And then there's Lucas and Jungwoo. Both of them had been obviously in love with each other since trainee days, shy flirting and a lot of physical contact proved it. It didn't take a lot for them to confess to each other. Jungwoo was now sitting with Taeyong, considering Lucas wasn't a part of 127, so Jungwoo decided to stick to their leader. He was snuggled into Taeyongs side, their heads on top of each other while looking into Taeyongs phone. Taeyongs hand was softly rubbing up and down Jungwoos sides and Hyuck frowns at the intimate action.  
  
He gets thrown back into reality by the sound of the door opening. Doyoung jumps at the sudden noise and Jaehyun laughs at his face. Their manager came strolling inside, clapping his hands together, a stranger following him closely. "Good morning!" the loud voice booms through the practice room, making Donghyuck groan and sit up. Mark giggles and nudges Hyucks side. "Come on, lets get over there."  
  
The stranger turned out to be the choreographer their manager had told them about. "This is your choreographer for this comeback, Jasper!" Johnny smiled, extending his hand to shake Jaspers. "You're from america?" Jasper nods, shaking every members hand. Donghyuck noticed how Jaspers eyes linger on him for a while and how hard he shook his hand. Hyuck pressed himself against Marks side, who put his arm possessively around the younger boys waist. Donghyuck pretended not to see how Jaspers eyes followed Marks movements, making the side of his lip curl upwards.  
  
The rest of the day flew by uneventful, with Taeyong and Jasper bonding over dance techniques and Hyuck avoiding the choreographer as much as possible. Mark seemed to notice that Donghyuck was uncomfortable, so he stuck to his side the entire day.  
  
Taeil didn't seem to like Jasper either. When he tried to talk to the oldest, Taeil would brush him off or cut off his sentences, all to try and end the conversation that Jasper tried to make happen.  
  
Jaehyun and Johnny were the ones who had taken the biggest interest in Jasper, having endless talks in english. Mark showed his disinterest, only offering weak smiles or a nod when Jasper adressed him in his mother language.  
  
Donghyuck was glad when they were allowed to pack up their things. He threw his bag over his shoulder, enjoying the way Marks hand found his instantly, tugging him to the exit through which their hyungs had already left. Jasper stopped them.  
  
"Donghyuck, can i talk to you for a moment?" the younger nods, taken aback. Mark squeezes his hand when he feels him stiffen. "I'll be right outside, okay?" Donghyuck nods, watching Mark leave the room with a heavy feeling inside of his chest.  
  
"I noticed you don't really seem to enjoy my presence." Donghyuck shrugs. "I don't really know you, hyung, so i'm not sure." Jasper sighs, running his fingers through his blonde hair. "Listen, i'm in no way trying to make you uncomfortable, ok? but if you rather want another choreographer, i understand. I'll pack my stuff and leave to america first thing in the morning."  
  
Donghyuck shifts on his spot, looking up at the american. "This won't work if both sides don't trust each other. And this job is really important to me." Hyuck crosses his arms at the whiny tone in Jaspers voice. "Why?"  
  
"You see, my mother has heart problems, so i took this job to be able to pay for her treatment. I can't risk to lose this! But if you don't want to work with me, just tell me then. I know i can be too much, can be too straight forward but if you -"  
  
"Stay. For your mother. I'll try my best to work with you, choregrapher hyung." Jasper shakes Donghyucks hand with an excited expression on his face. "Thank you so much! i promise we'll be friends really soon!"  
  
and for a moment, Donghyuck believed Jasper, believed the way his wide puppy eyes sparkled in the dim light of the room and believed the wide smile on his lips. But his trust was going to be broken again.


	2. a wanted kiss and an unwanted touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw//sexual harrassment
> 
> i'm sorry this chapter is kinda short,   
> writing the sh scene was reall, hard for me.

"Lee Donghyuck!" the youngest jumps in his bed, hitting his head with a loud crash. "Owww!" whines Donghyuck, rubbing the space where he had banged his head. "Oh god! are you okay?" asks Mark, an apologetic smile on his face.  
  
"I'm fine, just try not to scare me awake the next time." Donghyuck hisses, glaring at the older boy. Mark nods, looking at him like a kicked puppy. Donghyuck sighs, lifting the skyblue sheets and gesturing for Mark to join him. The older grins before slipping into bed beside him.  
  
A few seconds later, Hyucks head was placed on Marks chest, their legs tangled together with Marks arm thrown over Donghyucks waist. The younger boy lets out a statisfied huff before snuggling closer. "I don't want to go to practice today." he says, fiddling with Marks long sleeves.   
  
"You don't really like Jasper hyung, right?" asks Mark. "I don't, but i'll try my best to work with him. Did you know his mom has heart problems and this job is his only chance to help her? that's sad." explains Donghyuck, lifting his chin and glancing at Mark who seems deep in thought. "Yeah", he whispers.   
  
Taeil was the one send to wake the maknaes up. He smiles softly when he sees them all cuddled up and talking to each other. "Morning you two." he says, sitting down on the bed. He loves mornings like this, where the air is warm and familiar and the all around feeling made his heart swell with love and affection. "Morning hyung!" says Hyuck happily, scrambling away from Mark to squish himself into Taeils side. Mark giggles quietly. Taeil nudges Donghyucks side. "Let's go, we have training. Breakfast is in the kitchen, Taeyong prepared everything for you."  
  
There was a strange tension the second the NCT members stepped into the practice room. Jasper was already there, sitting on one of the benches with his headphones plugged into his ears, his feet lightly tapping along to the music.  
  
"Morning hyung!" screeches Johnny and Jasper looks up with a small smile on his thin lips. Donghyuck gives a smile back, but he still crosses his arms in front of his chest in defense, showing his mistrust clearly. "Good morning Donghyuck." says Jasper, looking straight into the younger boys' eyes. "Morning." Hyuck mumbles, leaving Marks side to drop off his bag in a corner.  
  
"This is so exhausting!" groans Donghyuck later, after they danced to the new choreography Jasper made for them. "It's tiring, but really well done. Good job Jasper hyung!" yells Hyuck, throwing the older man a thumbs up. Needless to say, Mark frowned at the action. "I thought you don't like him!" he hisses, shoving his hands into the pocket of his sweatpants.  
  
"I don't, but the choreography is impressive." Mark rolls his eyes and plops down next to the younger boy, watching the rest pack up their things and leave the room, including Jasper. They were alone.  
  
"Mark Lee...are you jealous?" asks Donghyuck, glancing at Mark with a witty smile. "No..." whispers Mark, shyly looking away. Donghyuck laughs, pressing his hand to his mouth. "You're so cute, Mark." the older stares at him, lips parted and eyes wide. "You know what? you're fucking adorable as well Lee Donghyuck."  
  
When Donghyuck turns around, Mark cups his face in his hands and he kisses Donghyuck so deeply that he didn't know who is breathing for who, but his mouth and tongue tasted like warm honey. Hyuck didn't know how long it lasts, but when Mark lets go of him, Donghyuck miss it already.   
  
"Wow." Mark whispers, letting his thumb glide gently over Hyucks bottom lip. "Wow indeed." says Donghyuck, burying his nose in the soft skin of Marks neck, inhaling the warm sweet scent that was home to him. Mark was his home. "I wanted this for so long." Hyuck smiles widely. "Me too."   
  
They leave hand in hand before Donghyuck stops him. "I'll just go to the bathroom real quick, i'll be back in a second." Mark nods, pressing a quick peck to the corner of Donghyucks swollen lips before pulling out his phone.  
  
If Donghyuck knew what was going to happen inside the bathroom, he would've left with Mark, ignored his bladder and went to the toilet in the dorms, in the safety of his own home and his hyungs around him. But he didn't know, so here he was, washing his hands while another door opened behind him. "Oh, Donghyuck."   
  
Jasper. He walks up behind the younger boy, flashing him a smile. Donghyuck turns around, back pressed against the sink. The older man comes closer, looking down at the smaller boy. "Did you like practice today?" Donghyuck feels his heartbeat speed up, but he forces himself to stay calm. "Yeah, it was fun."  
  
Jasper comes even closer, their legs touching at this point. Donghyuck tries to shuffle further away, but his body is wedged between the sink and Jaspers body. "I told you. We'll get along well."  
  
Donghyuck feels an unfamiliar hand creep up his thigh. He whines, contemplating if he should scream for Mark, push the older male away and run like hell, but Jaspers next words make him forget about it.  
  
With Jaspers hand coming up more and more, dangerously close to his crotch, the older man leans forward, having his lips pressed against Donghyuck ear, his hot breath hitting the sensitive cold skin. He shivers, pressing his legs together to keep Jaspers hand away.  
  
"If you think about calling out for your little boyfriend, i wouldn't. Because hey, what would stop me from doing this to him? or, what would stop me from destroying his career? your career? your hyungs career?" Donghyuck inhales sharply, but keeps his mouth closed. Later, Jasper would tell him he was used to getting what he wants. Donghyuck pulls away and leaves the bathroom in a hurry.  
  
Mark was looking at him with a worried expression when the younger grabbed his wrist without any words, dragging him to the dorms. Their hyungs greeted them, but Hyuck ignored them, instead rushing to his bedroom with Mark by his side and pushes the older boy onto his bed, climbing into his lap.  
  
Mark makes a surprised noise, but holds onto the younger boy while Donghyuck is busy devouring his lips. "Hey, hey Hyuckie, are you okay?" Donghyuck nods his head, panting heavily. "Yes, yes, just hold me, okay?" Mark blinks, confused, but just melts into the next kiss that Donghyuck places on his red lips.  
  
_Please just hold me, please, please hold me and love me and erase all of Jaspers touches on my body, please make me feel like i'm not disgusting._


	3. threats and tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw//a brief mention of throwing up, and this chapter also includes the rape scene, that's why it took me so long to write.

Donghyuck did feel better the next morning, he really did, so why did his throat feel so strange when looking at his food?

His stomach was rumbling, acid rising up in his throat. Hyuck felt tears building up in his eyes while hurriedly pressing his hand over his mouth and blindly stumbling through the hallway to the bathroom, ignoring his hyungs calls for him. At the last second, Donghyuck reaches the bathroom, falls to his knees and vomits. A burning sensation runs through his chest. Why is he crying? his head feels light, too light, as if someone had stuffed a cloud into his brain. "Hyuckie!" Taeyong kneels beside him, his hand stroking gently over Hyucks back. "Donghyuck-ah, are you okay?" Marks voice brings Donghyuck back to reality. The younger boy raises his head slightly and gives Mark and Taeyong a faint smile. "I'm fine, i just felt a bit sick." Taeyong sighs and presses the toilet flush before lifting Donghyuck and carrying him into the living room.

"This isn't normal, Donghyuck. I've never seen you throw up." says Taeyong after draping a blanket over the shivering boy. Mark sits beside Donghyucks trembling figure, calmly resting his hand on Donghyucks legs. "We have vocal training today, but i'll let you stay here if that's okay? we'll send someone to look after you." "Can't Mark stay?" Hyuck asks. Taeyong almost wants to cry at the whiny tone in the youngest voice. He bites his lip, contemplates getting into trouble just to let Mark stay with Donghyuck, but he decides against it. "We'll be back before you know it. There's still time left before we have to go. I'll make you some tea and Mark is going to stay with you until practice, okay?" Donghyuck nods, melting into Marks arms. Taeyong smiles softly, pats Hyucks head and leaves into the kitchen.

"How is he?" asks Jungwoo. Taeyong jumps, letting the tea kettle fall to the ground. "I'm sorry, i didn't mean to scare you hyung." says Jungwoo, bending down to pick the kettle up. Taeyong flushes, rubbing the back of his neck shyly. "Thanks. Also, Donghyuck threw up, but he seems fine now. I'll let him stay here for today though." Jungwoo nods, leaning against the kitchen counter while Taeyong makes Donghyucks tea. Taeyong enjoyed Jungwoos company, the younger boys calm and balanced aura grounding his nerves. "Don't worry Taeyong hyung, everything is going to be okay, right?" Taeyong turns to look at the younger and gasps at the way the light sparkles in his warm brown eyes, making him look like an innocent baby deer. Taeyong can only nod, captivated by Jungwoos beauty and the way the younger boys smile warmed his insides. "Yes. Everything is going to be okay." and if Taeyongs heart almost combusted when Jungwoo leaned his head against Taeyongs shoulder, than that was also completely okay, except for the fact that he was dating Lucas and Taeyong was about to fall in love with him.

And speaking of the devil, Lucas stepped into the kitchen a few seconds later. "Morning!" Jungwoos face lit up at his boyfriends presence. "Lucas!" he says excitedly. Taeyong has a stab of jealousy - he is thrilled for them, yet can't help but envy their happiness. Don't be ungracious, he tells himself. It is not your time; it is theirs. Jungwoo and Lucas are so lovely; they deserve to be happy. "I'll go bring Donghyuck his tea." he announces, but Jungwoo and Lucas are wrapped up in a passionate kiss, so they ignore him when he pushes past them, unshed tears burning inside of his eyes.

Mark was holding a sleeping Hyuck, running his fingers through his hair. Taeyong sits down the warm mug on the desk in front of them. "Come on, get ready for practice Mark." the younger looks down at the boy in his arms and sighs. "I know you want to stay, but Hyuckie will be fine. I'll send someone that will look after him while we're gone." 

Later, when everyone was ready to head out, Johnny and Mark softly woke up Donghyuck. The younger rubs his eyes, looking up at his hyungs. Mark wants to coo at Donghyuck, at the confused expression in his teary eyes, the flushed cheeks and the tousled hair on top of his head. "We'll be on our way to practice now, okay?" Hyuck bites his lip, but nods with a heavy sigh. "It'll be fine, you sleep and when you wake up we'll be back again." Mark leans down and presses a cute little peck to the corner of Donghyucks mouth who whines when he draws back. "Bye Hyuckie." their hyungs look at them with fond expressions. "Come on Mark!" says Taeil and throws Marks bomber jacket at him. "Goodbye!" yells Hyuck, then the door closes and he's all alone before drifting back into sleep. 

Donghyuck wakes up from a loud crash. "Taeyong hyung? Mark? hyungs?" he asks into the silence. The light in the kitchen was switched on and he could see the silhouette of a man inside. "Who's there?" he asks again, voice shaking. His fingers reach for his phone, but he can't find it. He must've left it in his bedroom that morning. "Don't worry Hyuck-ah, it's just me." a familiar voice says. The light in the living room gets turned on. "Jasper hyung." Donghyuck says. His heartbeat quickens when the older man sits down next to him. "Johnny texted me saying that i should look after you."

Jaspers hand is on his thigh. "They said you were sick?" Donghyuck feels his brain going into overdrive. "Yes. I wasn't feeling so well this morning." Jasper grins. Donghyuck doesn't like that grin. It's wicked and evil and makes his skin crawl. "I'll make you feel better." Hyuck doesn't register what he means until Jaspers lips make contact with his neck. "NO!" he screams, pushing the older man away. Jasper grabs Donghyucks wrist, pinning him to the couch. "Remember what i said in the bathroom yesterday?"

 _He'll destroy Marks career. Everyones career just because i'm too selfish to make a little sacrifice._ But this wasn't a little sacrifice anymore. 

"I met Jisung yesterday." says Jasper in a threatening tone. "He's a nice kid, so full of live. But also so naive. He's really attractive for his age, don't you think?" Donghyucks blood runs cold. "Don't fucking touch him you sick fuck!" he spits out, gritting his teeth in anger. He hates Jasper. He never hated anyone, but hate was the only thing that came close to what he felt for the older man. He was absolutely disgusted by him. "Then shut the fuck up and let me do what i need to do." Jasper growls, pushing Donghyuck back into the sheet underneath him by his throat.

He didn't want this. Donghyuck chokes back a sob as he feels unfamiliar hands shrug his pants off. Hyuck wanted his first time to be special, have it with someone whom he actually loves. He wanted Mark to be his first, but now it was taken away from him. Donghyuck wanted to cry or scream or pick up the mug beside him with cold tea and smash it into Jaspers head, but the threat of him going for Jisung sits heavy on his shoulders. And he'd rather suffer than have this disgusting man on top of him ruin Jisungs life. Sweet, innocent Jisung, who was probably with Chenle and the other dreamies at this moment, safe and sound. 

Donghyuck doesn't remember much of what happens next.

He remembers how he lays there, naked and vulnerable and how Jasper runs his hands over his body. Donghyuck ignores it, turns his head to the side and closes his eyes. He tries to imagine something that will help him survive this without going insane. Hyuck tries to imagine that he's floating, on top of a fluffy white cloud in the blue sky, with Mark beside him. But the dream bursts when he feels a painful stretch from where Jasper had rammed himself into him. Donghyuck screams out, tears running down his cheeks.  _God no fuck make it stop, please make it stop it hurts so much...,_ he pleads inside of his head, over and over again.

Jasper grabs his legs and pushes them down to Donghyucks chest. Shame came in and stood with an appearance of guilt and hate. Donghyuck hated Jasper, hated the way he used his body for his own pleasure, how he looked at Donghyuck like a toy to abuse. But more, he hated himself for letting this man ruin him. But he couldn't fight back, just couldn't. Fear held his heart in its icy claws, fear of what might happen if he just kicks Jasper into the face and runs.  _Jisung._ The maknaes name rotates in his head like a tornado. 

Jaspers thrust were speeding up and he forced himself deeper into Donghyucks fragile body. The younger boy sobs quietly, not wanting to give Jasper the statisfaction of seeing him break down. A strange feeling settled in. Warmth, sticky warmth that filled him up when Jasper groaned loudly. He pulled out after, collapsing onto the couch behind him. Donghyuck layed there, his eyes unable to close. Jaspers were unable to open. Donghyuck listed the places where he hurt, and how much. His insides felt ripped. Something inside had torn. There were seven places on his body where he had sunk his nails into Hyucks skin and bitten. He'd dug his nails into his neck, and twisted his head to one side, and clawed his face. Donghyuck hadn't made a noise. Jasper had made all the noise for both of them.

Jasper leaves after. Donghyuck stumbles into the bathroom and turns on the water. It's scorching hot, but Donghyuck enjoys the pain of it. There wasn't any thought inside of his mind other than  _clean, clean, i want to be clean._ He scrubs his skin furiously, watching it turn from bronze to red and little streaks of blood smear across it. The pain in his back intensified and Donghyuck watched in horror as blood ran down his leg and dripped onto the white ground of the shower. 

Donghyuck doesn't wait for his hyungs, but leaves straight to his bedroom where he buries himself in his soft and comforting sheets. He couldn't face them, he knew that if anybody spoke to him or looked at him too closely the tears would fly out of his eyes and the sobs would fly out of his throat and he'd cry for a week. Donghyuck could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in him like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. He shrugs on one of Marks hoodies that he loves so much and imagines that this was nothing but a bad dream. 

Right before falling asleep from exhaustion, he thought it for the first time. He thought;  _i wish i was dead._

 


	4. surprising coffee and broken hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the last chapter was hard for me to write, so this chapter focuses on the other members a bit before the next goes back to Donghyuck again. I swear i'll try harder to update.

Love is a strange thing. It's as unfairly shared as rain. There are the ones who get too much of it and others who don't get enough. Taeyong doesn't like leaving a sick Donghyuck behind, the worry a heavy weight inside of his chest. Hyuck was the youngest member in 127 and considering that Taeyong spend a lot of time with him he did grew some motherly feelings for the maknae.  
  
Mark, who's sitting beside him on the floor of the practice room, nervously fiddles with his phone, staring longingly at the clock on his display. Taeyong smiles softly, carding his fingers through Marks black strands of hair. "Don't worry, Hyuckie will be fine. Johnny already texted Jasper hyung to go take care of him."  
  
Mark tenses up underneath his hands. "Jasper hyung?" Taeyong nods, frowning in confusion. "Yeah, is there a problem?" Mark bites his lip and lowers his head. "I guess not. Donghyuck just doesn't really like him." Taeyong leans back against the cold mirror behind him, pulling out a tissue to wipe off the sweat on his forehead.  
  
"Yeah, i saw that. He kept glaring daggers at hyung." Mark giggles. "Yeah. Just like you seem to glare at Lucas everytime he comes to our dorm to hang out with Jungwoo." Taeyong huffs.  
  
"Now you're just talking nonesense. When have i ever glared at Lucas? i don't even have any reason to!" Mark glances over at Jungwoo, who's stretching, his eyes fixed onto the mirror in front of him. Jungwoo looks serious when it comes to practice and Mark finds it endearing.  
  
"Are you sure about that? you seem to like Jungwoo hyung a lot these days." he says, nudging Taeyongs side. Taeyongs black shirt is sticking to his chest and the older pulls it over his head to cool down. "You don't know what you're saying, so stop it, okay? Of course i'm with Jungwoo a lot. He's new in this unit, Mark. I'm trying to look out for him."  
  
"Seems like he's looking out for you, too. Or maybe he's just staring because you're half naked." Taeyongs head whips around. He catches Jungwoos eyes almost immediately. The younger is staring at Taeyong, his cheeks an adorable shade of rosy pink when he sees Taeyong looking back at him. Jungwoo turns away with a shy smile, his focus going back to his dance moves.  
  
Mark sighs at the expression on Taeyongs face, full of adoration and amazement. "You know he's Lucas boyfriend." the older slumps into himself, letting his chin rest on his knee. "I know." he whispers, closing his eyes when Mark leans his head against Taeyongs. A silent gesture of comfort.  
  
"What kind of feeling is it to see Jungwoo with someone else?" asks Mark, letting Taeyongs head fall into his lap. "My heart no longer feels as if it belongs to me. It now feels as it has been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wants no part of it." the younger boy plays with Taeyongs soft hair, twirling it around his finger before letting go just to repeat the same motion once again.  
  
He thought about how grateful he was that Donghyuck had the same feelings for him as he had. He lets his eyes wander through the room. Sicheng is seated on Yutas lap, head on his chest while his fingers are curled into Yutas. The younger boy lifts his head, his eyes sparkling like a universe, like a clear night sky when looking at his japanese boyfriend. Yuta glances down at Sicheng before his lips form into a wide smile. Yuta leans down, capturing Sichengs lips with his own. Mark looks away.  
  
The door gets flung open. Taeyong jumps up, dusting off his pants in a hurry. But it's not their teacher, just a brightly smiling Ten. The thai boy has a box full of coffee with him and strolls over to Taeyong, holding out a cup for him to take. "Hi, hyung. I bought you your favorite coffee." Mark swears he could see Ten blush when Taeyong pinches his cheek and mumbles a quick thanks before putting the cup to his lips.  
  
"Tennie, do you have one for me?" asks Taeil, making big eyes at the younger boy. "Yeah, sure." Ten ungracefully shoves a cup into the oldest' hands. Mark rolls his eyes, picking up his phone to check for any new messages that Donghyuck might've send, but his phone is silent. "Come on guys! let's dance the routine one more time." Taeyong claps into his hands. Ten sits down in the corner, looking at the group that goes to stand in their formation.  
  
The music starts. Everything goes well, their movements are sharp and coordinated. Until Taeyong slips. His fingers grasp for anything to hold onto, but only find Jungwoos red shirt, taking the boy down with him.  
  
Taeyong can hear the blood rushing through his body, his heart racing. He's laying underneath of Jungwoo, who has his hands pressed against the ground beside his head to keep himself up. Their noses touch each other, that's how close they are. Taeyong looks at Jungwoos eyes, brown, warm and full of innocence. Then his lips. Plump, pink and shiny. Taeyong wants to close the gap between them, wrap his arms around Jungwoos neck and pull him into a kiss. Taeyong forgets about the other members watching them. He lifts his hand and places it on Jungwoos cheek. The younger boys skin is hot.  
  
Taeyong feels tempted to ignore the fact that Jungwoo has a boyfriend, forget the fact that he might ruin his and Lucas relationship. Jungwoo isn't pulling away, he's just staring at Taeyongs face in wonder. His Jungwoo...no, Lucas' Jungwoo is looking so intensely into his eyes that Taeyong fears his heart might burst. Why isn't he pulling away?  
  
The loud crash of the door falling into the lock makes them seperate. Jungwoo is scratching the back of his neck, moving away until he's next to Doyoung who looks like would love to smack him. Taeyong stares at the door. The door that Ten just disappeared through in a hurry. Johnny looks back at the others before spriting off to follow him.  
  
Mark clears his throat, grabbing his backpack from the floor. "We should head home."


	5. cozy mornings and forbidden affairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Donghyuckie!  
> but i don't want to get into the heavy angst of his storyline quite yet...  
> so i did the exact thing with Taeyongs :)))  
> enjoy!

Donghyuck doesn't want to wake up. He sleepily blinks, letting his eyes adjust to the sudden light flooding his bedroom. There's another body beside his own. It's a sleeping Mark, his chest rising and falling calmly. Hyuck sighs, reaching out to absently let his fingers stroke over the soft skin of Marks cheek. The older boy stirs, opening his eyes slowly.  
  
"Morning Hyuckie." he smiles when looking at his boyfriend. "Morning hyung." whispers Donghyuck, scooting closer to press himself against Mark, bathing in the calming warmth of the other. "You're so cute in the morning", cooes Mark, wrapping his arms around Donghyuck.   
  
It feels unreal. The gentle, comforting touches on Donghyucks skin, Marks loving smile and the peaceful atmosphere of this bright december morning. Maybe last night was nothing but a bad dream. Donghyuck keeps telling himself, closing his eyes and giggling when he feels Mark press kisses onto his lips, nose, eyelids and jawline.  
  
The moment gets destroyed by Jaehyun bursting into the room. "Morning love birds! wake up! come get breakfast!" Donghyuck whines, hiding his face in Marks shoulder. "You're intruding." snaps Mark, running his fingers through Hyucks hair while glaring at Jaehyun. "Yeah, i bet." he winks before turning around and leaving the two alone.  
  
"I don't wanna stand up." says Donghyuck. _I don't want to leave this bed or your arms because if i do that, i'll have to go back to reality and i won't have any excuse to ignore what happened._   
  
Mark slips out from underneath the sheets, extending his arms to pull the younger boy with him. "You go get breakfast, i have to go to the bathroom." Mark nods, leaning forward to capture Donghyucks lips in a kiss before going to the kitchen.   
  
Hyuck locks the bathroom door behind him before taking a deep breath in and pulling down his pants. There's a dark red stain of dried blood in his boxers. Donghyuck presses his hand over his lips, muffling the loud sob that threatenes to escape his throat.  
  
He wants to scream for Mark, cry in his arms and tell him what happened, but his boyfriend would never know what it was like to feel yourself small, weak and powerless. He would never understand what rape did to your feelings about your own body: to find yourself reduced to a thing, an object, a piece of fuckable meat.  
  
Taeyong was busy preparing breakfast. He didn't sleep well that night, yesterdays evening kept replaying in his head over and over again. His thoughts wander to Jungwoo, who had been distant after what happened. Then they wandered to Ten, whom he couldn't contact since he stormed out off the practice room.  
  
"Morning." Taeyong almost drops the spoon into the pot he's stiring. "Jungwoo." he answers dumbly. The boy smirks, leaning against the kitchen counter behind him. He looks good. His orange hair is messy, his white shirt is two sizes too big on him. _Must be Lucas' shirt_ , his brain whispers. Taeyong tries to fight off the burning jealousy bubbling up inside of his stomach.  
  
"I'm sorry about yesterday." says Taeyong, carding his fingers through his silky hair. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, hyung. You stumbled and accidentially took me down with you, but i didn't get hurt." Taeyong bites his bottom lip, gulping heavily when Jungwoos tongue darts out off his mouth to wet his lips.  
  
Suddenly, Jungwoo is standing closer than before. Taeyong can feel Jungwoos hot breath on his cold skin and shrudders. Taeyong looks up, locking eyes with the younger. The way he spoke to him, the admiration in his gaze, reminded Taeyong so, so much of Jungwoo staring at Lucas, eyes reaching for the stars.   
  
"Taeyong..." mumbles Jungwoo. His nose is brushing against Taeyongs and the older swears he can't breathe because of the intensity in Jungwoos gaze.  
  
Taeyong lifts his hand once again, touching his cheek, savouring the view of Jungwoos eyes fluttering shut. "You shouldn't." explains Taeyong. He doesn't even know what he's explaining. Maybe that Jungwoo shouldn't be getting cozy with him, that Jungwoo shouldn't look at him with such a sparkle in his eyes.  
  
Jungwoo breathes out heavily. "I know, hyung." _what if someone comes in?_ Taeyong ignores the voice in his head, just leans his forehead against Jungwoos. The leaders heart is racing, the blood rushes through his ears. _Why do we always find ourselves in such positions?_  
  
Jungwoos eyes are closed again. Their lips brush. If Taeyong only puckers his mouth a bit, he could be kissing the boy he's in love with. They jump apart when the kitchen door opens. Lucas comes inside, a wide smile on his face.  
  
"Jungwoo!" he exclaims, sweeping the older off his feet and twirling him around in a cirlce while both laugh loudly and freely. "Guess what! nct china is about to prepare for debut!" Jungwoo is beaming at the older, tugging his blonde hair behind his ear. "I'm so happy for you baby!" Jungwoo says, pulling Lucas down into a deep, passionate kiss.  
  
Taeyong hates himself.


	6. a hurting Donghyuck and a heartsick Taeyong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i got a little carried away with this chapter.  
> i won't put any trigger warnings,  
> y'all know that this story includes triggering themes by now.
> 
> (( and thanks to everyone who leaves comments, you are my motivation <3 ))

Ten stares at the cup in front of him. Pink milk, his favorite. Johnny nudges him, gesturing to the drink. "Do you not like it?" Ten forces a grateful smile onto his face, letting his head fall onto Johnnys shoulder. "I do, i do. I just don't have any appetite."   
  
Johnny sighs, dropping his hands into his lap. "Taeyong is an idiot, you know?" Ten giggles softly. "I know." Johnny takes a deep breath in before continuing. "He's such an idiot for not noticing the obvious. And don't come at me with some 'He's way too good for me' bullshit. You're amazing, Ten. Everyone should be happy to have your affection."   
  
The thai was starting to blush furiously. "Aaah, what are you saying!" he says, playfully smacking Johnny with the long black sleeve of his sweater. He drops his head down again, snuggling into Johnnys side before taking his hand into his own. Johnny can feel a heat wave roll over him. The waitress passing their table cooes quietly at the sight. "You two are such a cute couple!" Johnny coughs. "We...are not a couple."   
  
"Oh, i'm sorry i assumed." the waitress says, bowing her head in apology. "He's my best friend", explains Ten. _Ouch, that hurt_. "You could say he's like my big brother." Johnny takes a big gulp of his coffee, ignoring the hot burning on his tongue. _And that killed me._ "Lets go, Tennie. I have a practice to go to."  
  
Donghyuck was sitting beside Mark in their van, his entire body pressed against his boyfriend, their hands clasped together. "I'm tired, hyung. Why can't i stay home?" _I'm not tired, my body just hurts in every place below my bellybutton and i don't know if i will be able to go to practice like this. I'm also terrified of having to face Jasper again, but i can't tell you that_.

  
"We're here!" announces Taeil, shoving Doyoung from his lap. The other yelps and glares at Taeil before opening the door and ushering the rest out off the car. Donghyucks heart is beating so fast that he's scared he'll pass out at any given moment. "Hyuckie, are you okay?"   
  
Yuta is looking at him with a worried expression on his pretty face, Sicheng right behind him. Mark puts his hand on Donghyucks forehead, but shakes his head. "You don't have a fever. Do you still feel sick baby?"  
  
_Baby_. It was supposed to be a cute nickname for him, but the word caused Hyuck a twisted stomach. _Baby_. That was what Jasper had said while he raped him.  
  
"You're so tight, baby."  
"You're doing so good baby."  
"Fuck baby i'm gonna cum inside of you."  
  
Donghyuck holds back his tears and shoves Mark away, sprinting into the building and down the hallway before he stops inside of the bathroom. He locks himself inside one of the stalls and tries to calm himself down, but he can't. He wants to scream until his throat is hoarse, wants to kick and punch walls until his skin is ripped open, raw and bleeding. Donghyuck sinks to the ground, his breakfast heavy inside of him.   
  
_You're disgusting_ , snarls a voice, making fresh tears well up in his eyes. He feels sick, sick, so sick that he hurridly crawls to the toilet before throwing up until there's nothing left inside of him. The world around him is spinning, but Hyuck forces himself up, out off the stall and to the sink where he splashes cold water into his face, washing away the tear streaks on his cheeks.   
  
There are steps behind him, a hand lands on his hip. _Jasper_ , his mind screams. Donghyuck whirls around, his hand lifted. He smacks his attacker square in the face. The loud whimper lets the panic fade away.  
  
"Mark", whispers Donghyuck into the heavy silence. His boyfriend is standing in front of him, holding the cheek that Donghyuck just slapped with a shocked expression in his wide doe eyes. "What the hell was that for!" hisses Mark, gritting his teeth.   
  
"Fuck Mark, i didn't mean to slap you, i swear." Donghyuck extends his hand, wants to stroke over the side of Marks face, but the older boy takes a step back, opening the door and holding it. "We should go back to practice."  
  
Taeyong is leaning against the mirror while stretching. His eyes find Jungwoo, but the younger ignores his questioning looks. The leader huffs, visibly annoyed and turns to Jasper, who's standing beside him. The older man smirks. "Trouble in paradise?" he glances at Jungwoo, who now has sat down beside Yuta, who, like always, has Sicheng cuddled against him on his lap.  
  
"I don't know what you mean." Jasper laughs softly. "It's obvious that you seem to be having quite some problems right now." Taeyong grunts, bowing down to tie his shoelaces again. When he stands back up, Jasper is closer than before. Taeyong can see every single freckle on his nose. Jasper reaches out, tugs Taeyongs hair behind his ear. The younger feels uncomfortable when Jaspers fingers wander down to his neck. Jungwoo is suddenly behind him, tangling his arm around Taeyongs waist and pulling him away.  
  
Taeyong sinks into Jungwoos side. "Thank you, Woo." Jungwoo chuckles, affectionately ruffling Taeyongs hair. "No problem, i noticed you were uncomfortable."   
  
Taeils shriek of: "Mark and Donghyuck are here!" makes everyone part and stand in their formation. Doyoung stares at Donghyuck, until Jaehyun nudges his side, gaining the attention of the raven haired boy back.   
  
The second Donghyucks eyes meet Jaspers, he can feel his heart drop. He wants to reach out, take Marks hand, but his boyfriend just takes his place in the formation and stares into the mirror in front, so Donghyuck follows with a heavy heart. Every step closer to Jasper, Jasper who's smiling at him like nothing happened, Jasper who hurt him, Jasper who ruined his innocence, every step closer to him made Donghyuck a little less able to breathe.  
  
Practice is horrible. Donghyuck can't concentrate, his limbs and lower half aching with every movement. The other members are visibly frustrated, even the calm Sicheng has snapped at him for making them have to repeat the routine again and again. Doyoungs worried eyes never leave the youngest. When Jasper finally announces the end, Hyuck lets out a relieved breath and hurries to the door, but a name coming from Jaspers mouth makes him freeze.  
  
"Donghyuck, you stay here. The rest can go." Mark doesn't even look back, his cheek still an angry shade of red from where Donghyucks hand had hit him.  
  
_Please don't leave me here alone, please don't make me stay here with this monster._  
  
His eyes are pleading, looking into the members faces, but all of them leave him behind. Even Taeyong. His hand is in Jungwoos, who's softly giggling while he pulls the older boy outside.  
  
"Donghyuck." the younger whips around, stumbling back and pressing his back against the wall. "What." squieks Hyuck, doing his best to not lose his sanity and scream for the other members. Who would know what happens if he did.  
  
There's a hand on his cheek. Before Donghyuck can grasp a clear thought, Jaspers mouth is pressed against his own. He tries to shove him away, but Jasper just pins his hands against the wall, making the younger struggle in his grip. When Jaspers tongue tries to invade Donghyucks mouth, the boy has enough. He bites down with all his strength, making Jasper pull back with a pained expression on his angry face. "Fucking bitch!" he yells, lifting his hand to punch Hyuck in the face. The younger falls to the ground with a loud cry.  
  
Jasper grabbed his collar. Donghyuck opens his mouth to let out a scream when Jasper just grabs one of the towels on the ground and stuffs it into Hyucks mouth. "Shut up. Remember yesterday? when i said i'd go for Jisung if you don't cooperate? guess what. Your CEO really said that i should choreograph for the dreamies soon. I could spend so much quality time with your youngest member..." Jaspers rough fingers are gliding down Donghyucks chest before slipping into his boxers.   
  
This time it's over faster, probably because Jasper was exhausted. Donghyucks cheek burns from where his head was pressed down against the floor, his skin rubbing against the hard ground with every strong thrust. Tears are silently streaming down his face. And when Jasper is done once again, Hyuck stumbles out off the building, view blurry from tears. Their van is gone. The members didn't wait for him. He doesn't budge when a car speeds past him, so close that one more step would've surely meant that the car would've hit him. _Maybe, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if i died_.  
  
Not only his heart was broken once again this night.  
  
Jungwoo had dragged Taeyong up to the rooftop of their dorm, making the older sit on the cold gravel while laying down and placing his head in Taeyongs lap. There was nothing, just the twinkling stars above them and the soft breeze of the winter night passing by.  
  
"Jungwoo i -." the younger shakes his head, placing his finger on Taeyongs lip to silence him. The leader obeys, just runs his fingers through Jungwoos hair and lets himself fall into the warm atmosphere. They just stay like that, before Taeyong notices that Jungwoo hadn't stopped staring at him. He looks down, locking eyes. It was a mistake.   
  
Taeyong knew that in the exact moment that Jungwoos lips met his own. He knew it when Jungwoos hand travelled into his hair to press him closer, knew it when the younger sat up to straddle his lap before attacking his lips once again. He loses himself in Jungwoo, the way his chest rubbed against his own, his soft lips kissing his chapped ones. Taeyongs heart almost explodes when he lets his lips trail down Jungwoos neck, making the younger choke out a low moan. Taeyongs fingers grip Jungwoos hips hard when he starts grinding against him. "Hyung", mumbles Jungwoo, letting his head fall back and bearing his neck for him. Taeyong wants to cry, can't believe his luck that this beautiful boy is falling apart in his arms.   
  
He's so absorbed into the moment that he doesn't even hear Jungwoos phone ring. Just when Jungwoo answers the call and a gentle: "Lucas." leaves his lips he's thrown back into reality.  
  
Taeyong can't believe this situation. He's sitting on a roof after making out with the boy he's in love with and is now left with freezing cold and a massive erection. He can't help but feel humiliated.  
  
Perhaps this is what the stories meant when they called somebody heartsick. Your heart and your stomach and your whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching.


	7. a lonely mind and an upset heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and here's another chapter!  
> *throws glitter*  
> more hurt Donghyuck  
> *holds up megaphone*  
> and also more hurt Taeyong  
> *smacks confetti into your face*
> 
> ...enjoy reading, i got a little too sentimental with this one.

Yutas and Sichengs relationship has always been stable, with mutual affection and trust from both sides. Every outstander was envious of their love. Sicheng was laying on Yutas chest while the older played with his hair, like always.  
  
"Do you think something's going on with Donghyuck?" Sicheng huffs, glancing up at the older with innocent eyes. "He really wasn't feeling well today, he normally never makes so many mistakes." says Yuta, unlocking his phone to check for any calls or messages.  
  
"We should've waited for him, but who knows how long Jasper is going to keep him there for extra practice." yawns Sicheng, pressing his hand over his mouth. "You were a bit rude to him today, baby."  
  
Sicheng sighs, snuggling closer to Yuta. "I know. And i'm sorry about it, you know that. I'll apologize to him first thing in the morning." Yuta affectionately ruffles his hair, pressing a quick kiss on top of his head. "Come on, let's go to sleep."  
  
Donghyuck arrives at the dorm at around 2 am, drenched from the heavy rain outside and frozen to the core. With shaking fingers he unlocks the door, stumbling through the dark hallway and bumping into various objects on his way through the dorm. A crash from the kitchen makes him jump.  
  
"Shit!" it's Doyoung. "Hyuckie?" the older comes out off the kitchen with red rimmed eyes. "Yeah, hyung?" Doyoung pulls the maknae into a bone-crushing hug and Donghyuck almost cries before relaxing into his hyungs hold.  
  
"I was so worried! where were you? Jaehyun fell asleep while waiting for you. I tried calling you so many times! i even texted you to tell me when i should pick you up." Donghyuck glances over to the couch where Jaehyun was wrapped up in a blanket, his phone tightly clutched against his chest. _They care about me._  
  
"My battery was empty." explains Donghyuck, holding up his dead phone. Doyoung nods. "Next time you will lend yourself a phone and call me, okay Hyuckie?" Donghyuck bites his lip and nods.  
  
"Where's Mark?" Doyoung smiles softly. "He went to sleep already, he seemed really upset. You should go to bed now, too. You look like you need some rest as well." Doyoung makes his way to his bedroom when Donghyuck stops him.  
  
"Hyung!" Doyoung turns around with a fond expression in his warm doe eyes and leans his head to the side. "Yes, Hyuckie?" Donghyuck shifts on his spot, nervously fiddling with his fingers. "Can i sleep in your bed tonight?" _Please say yes, because if i have to spend this night alone i might actually go insane_. Doyoung holds his hand out for the younger to take. "Of course you can."  
  
Later, when they've settled down in the comfortable sheets, Donghyuck presses himself so close to Doyoung as if he was scared that the older could disappear at any second. Doyoung doesn't ask, just nuzzles his nose into Donghyucks hair and holds him.  
  
When Doyoungs soft snores filled the room, Donghyuck was still wide awake, his thoughts wandering to Mark. He imagined them sitting somewhere, just enjoying each other's company, his head on Marks chest, his arm around him. And he realized how desperately lonely he had become.  
  
Taeyong had stormed off the roof while Jungwoo called Lucas, running down the street to the gocery store he loved so much. The old lady behind the counter gives him a warm smile, which he returns before grabbing a bottle of vodka from the liquor section. "Rough day?" the old lady asks while Taeyong slides crumbled up money to her. "Don't even ask."  
  
"Come on son, sit down and talk to me before you drink your brains out. I can see the sadness in your eyes. Makes you really unattractive." Taeyong nods and slides behind the counter where he plops down on a shabby chair.  
  
"So, what's hurting your heart?" "There's this person i like." the old lady laughs. "So it's about you being lovesick over some girl?"  
  
Taeyong doesn't know where the sudden confidence came from, but without stuttering he spoke the words: "it's a boy."  
  
The old lady nods, pulling a cigarette from her purple jacket and liting it before taking a deep inhale. "Seems like a hard situation. Does that boy know you like him?" Taeyong nods. "We kissed. He seems like he has feelings for me, too."  
  
"Then why are you so sad?" the lady ask, blowing out the smoke. The white smoke around her pale face makes her seem wise in the dim light of the store. "Because he already has a boyfriend."  
  
Taeyong stands up, grabbing the alcohol bottle and walks to the direction of the door. "Taeyong." he turns back. "Tell Jungwoo that he is an idiot for leaving you behind like this. Make him choose, no matter how lost he is, he has no right to play with your heart like that."  
  
The walk back to the dorm is filled with the burning taste of vodka on his lips and the freezing wind tugging on his clothes while he tries to clear his head. Make him choose. Taeyong knew that the lady was right, but he was afraid. He was afraid because he was sure he knows Jungwoos decision already. Why would he ever choose Taeyong over Lucas?  
  
The bottle in his hands is empty when he arrives at the dorm. The lights are all turned off, unsurprisingly considering it was around 3 am by now. Taeyong tries to be quiet when walking to his room. Nobody was inside, because his roommate, Jaehyun, fell asleep on the couch.  
  
Taeyong turns on the lights and looks over to his bed, just to freeze in shock. There were two boys on his bed. Two very, very naked boys. He could see Lucas back hovering over someone. And then he saw the messy orange hair on top of his pillow. Taeyong wanted to scream at them to get the hell out, take something and throw it after Jungwoo just because, but he just stands there, watching them fuck on top of his bed.  
  
And then Jungwoo lifts his head and locks eyes with him. He stared into Taeyongs eyes while Lucas trusted into him, again and again, holding him close. Taeyong wants to cry. Jungwoos eyes are dazed, the pupils wide open, just like after their kiss. The older still looks at Jungwoo when the other comes, throwing his head back while sweat runs down his forehead, making the bright hair stick to it in a tousled mess. How did Lucas not notice him by now?  
  
The door opens and Taeyong whirls around. Jungwoo? he blinks. Is he having halluzinations? he looks back to the bed. It's empty and clean, no signs of any activity inside or outside of the folded sheets. A tear runs down his face.  
  
"Hyung! where did you go! i was worried for fucks sake!" Jungwoo never swears. Taeyong reaches out, touching the younger boys face just to make sure he's really there. His fingers meet Jungwoos cold cheek. "I don't know what's real anymore." he whispers before bursting into tears. Jungwoo hugs him to his chest while both of them sink to the ground, holding onto each other like they're drowning.  
  
"It's okay, Taeyongie. It's okay." Jungwoo mumbles, pressing his cheek against Taeyongs. The other boys affection is grounding, calming for his upset heart. Taeyongs slender fingers make their way to Jungwoos neck, playing with the hair there. "Please, stay." he says and Jungwoo nods. Taeyong was going to kiss him, and he was going to regret it. But at that moment, Taeyong just couldn't bring himself to care.  
  
Lifting his arm, Jungwoo presses his lips against the inside of Taeyongs wrist. He's utterly still. Taeyong can feel his pulse tap several times against Jungwoos lips, and then the younger releases his hand.  
  
"I'll stay." he says. He takes Taeyongs arm and pulls him onto the bed, tugging him in with care before slipping underneath the sheets as well.  
  
"Jungwoo," Taeyong says, and he turns. Taeyong takes Jungwoos chin and kisses his lips, hard.  
  
Taeyong is reminded, all of a sudden, of that first day when they met each other, when he walked into the practice room to find a shy boy there, enthusastically dancing to EXOs growl. He had sat down in a corner and just watched the other with amazement. Jungwoo jumped slightly when he saw him through the mirror and Taeyong fell in love at first sight.  
  
"Don't go back to Lucas." Taeyong begs, staring right at Jungwoos startled face.  



	8. a promise and an accident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> honestly this entire story is just getting worse for everyone i'm sorry.

Donghyuck wakes up in a cold bed. Doyoung must've woken up before him and left to the living room. Hyuck stays where he is, despite of the angry grumble of his stomach. He doesn't want to get up and eat, doesn't even have enough energy to do so.  
  
There's a soft knock on the door. "Hyuckie?" the younger looks up, freezing when he spots Mark, looking at him through the half-opened door. "Can i come inside?" Donghyuck nods, not trusting his voice. Mark slides into the room, sitting down on the bed.  
  
"I was behaving like an asshole. I'm sorry, Hyuckie." they were such simple words, but Donghyucks heart was hurt and fragile, so he bursted into tears immediately, throwing himself into Marks arms. The older gapes at him in shock, wrapping his arms around the trembling boy and protectively holding him against his chest. "Hyuck, what's wrong?" Donghyuck just shook his head, burying his nose in Marks neck, inhaling the scent that was like home to him. Mark didn't continue to ask questions, knowing that Donghyuck wouldn't answer anyway. So he just held the sobbing boy until his cries turned into sniffles and sniffles turned into silence.  
  
"Mark, i -", starts Donghyuck, the truth heavy on the tip of his tongue, but Mark shakes his head, gently tugging his fringe out off his eyes. "You never have to explain yourself to me, Donghyuck."  
  
Taeyong wakes up to Jungwoo dreamily looking at him, playing with the olders hair. "Morning hyung." Taeyong smiles, feeling his heart swell at the fact that the other didn't leave and spend the night with him like he asked him to. "Morning." Taeyong answers, pulling Jungwoo closer again, letting himself drift off again, just focusing on Jungwoos racing heartbeat against his naked upper body.  
  
"Are you nervous?" asks Taeyong, giggling. Jungwoos face flushes a soft shade of pink. "No."   
  
"What are your plans for today?" asks Taeyong, running his fingers through Jungwoos hair, trying to remember every detail about Jungwoos sleepy eyes, the plump lips and the sheer freckles on his pale face. "Lucas and i will meet up for a movie day. Tonight is a radioshow i gotta attend, you'll be there too, right?" Taeyong felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He forces a smile. "Of course i'll be there." and then he kisses Jungwoo, inhales him, holds him so close that he can feel every inch of the other boys skin on his.   
  
"Will you tell Lucas?" Jungwoos eyes sparkle in the dim morning light. Taeyong holds his breath. "I will." says Jungwoo, leaning up to peck Taeyongs nose before travelling down to his lips. Taeyong let Jungwoo slip out off his bed with a heavy heart, but the promise of Jungwoo telling Lucas everything helped a bit.  
  
He forces himself to take a shower. _Jungwoo will be mine soon_ , his mind sings, excited. "But Lucas will be heartbroken." he mumbles into the void, sighing deeply. Jungwoo and him fucked up. Badly.  
  
Doyoung was hovering around Donghyuck like a worried mother. Sicheng had pulled the maknae into his lap after apologizing over and over again, making the youngest cry once again. Yuta was cuddled against Sichengs side, his hand comfortingly rubbing up and down Donghyucks back.  
  
Mark came out of the kitchen with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and dropped onto the couch, waving at Hyuck to come over who obeyed, making himself so small in Marks arms that it hurt Jaehyuns heart to see their normally feisty youngest so vulnerable.   
  
"There's something bad going on with Hyuckie. I can see how swollen his eyes are. Did he cry?" asks Jaehyun, shoving a piece of toast into his mouth. Doyoung nips on his tea, shrugging. "I guess. Jaehyun, i know you're worried, all of us are, and i know you only have good intentions, but don't try to make him talk. He will come to us when he's ready."  
  
Jaehyun pouts and Doyoung smiles. "Come on, let's just stay close to him in the meantime." Doyoung extends his hand for Jaehyun to take, who, with red ears, does and lets himself be pulled into the living room.  
  
In a corner was Taeil, a book in his lap and a coffee mug beside him. Johnny had joked that he looked like an old, bored man, but in reality he was doing what he was best at. Watching. There was something strange going on within the group, he felt it. His family was cracking at the edges, and if they weren't careful they could break apart easily. Taeyong came inside, a towel wrapped around his waist. He followed their leader into the kitchen.  
  
"Rough night?" Taeyong tensed up, letting his tea mug slip, spilling hot water all over his fingers. "Dang hyung! stop always being so silent!" Taeil grunts, leaning against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Maybe you should learn how to be silent instead." Taeyong frowns, turning to his hyung with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean?"  
  
"What i mean is that i heard you and Jungwoo, Tae. I know your secret."  
  
Taeyong wanted to die.  
  
"Please don't tell!" he begs, grabbing onto Taeils arm. "I won't. But i want you to consider your future actions more. Tae, we've been together for a while now and i know your heart. And i know that you would never do anything to hurt someone on purpose, but god, do you know that this will crush Lucas?"   
  
Lucas. Of course. Lucas who had followed Jungwoo like a puppy since trainee days, Lucas who knew Jungwoo better than anyone else. Lucas, who was the first one to gain Jungwoos heart for himself after months of tiring flirting.  
  
"I feel so bad, hyung." whimpers Taeyong. Taeil pulls him into a hug. Taeyong needed this, the calm aura of the other helped him gather his thoughts. "Are you going to tell Lucas? or is Jungwoo going to?" asks Taeil quietly. Taeyong nods, holding onto Taeil a bit tighter.  
  
The rest of the day is spend in comfortable silence, with all NCT members huddled together in the living room. Johnny was distracted, glancing at his phone all the time and giggling like a school girl with a crush. Donghyuck watched his hyung with a soft smile.  
  
"Time for the show!" announces Jaehyun, pushing open the doors of the studio with excitment. "Watch out before you accidentially hit someone!" hisses Doyoung. His hand was clapsed in Donghyucks, Mark on the other.  
  
"Sit down everyone! the show is going to start soon."  
  
Donghyuck could feel his heart race when Mark sat down beside him, tangling their fingers together. "Just tell me if you're uncomfortable." gosh, i adore him so much.  
  
The show begins. Donghyuck enjoys the atmosphere with all the members together, laughing and joking. Everyone is all smiles, even Ten, who was invited by Johnny to take part in their brodcast.  
  
And then Ten starts talking about his future plans. "NCT china will debut soon everyone! be ready! i hope this little insider info will excite all of you!" Yutas eyes wander to Sicheng, an unreadable expression glimmering in his dark eyes.  
  
"You didn't tell me about that." Sicheng seems to shrink into his seat, glancing at his boyfriend. "I forgot." Yuta huffs. "You casually forgot that you'll promote with a new unit soon meaning you'll leave me for god knows how long to go back to china."  
  
Sicheng whines, grabbing Yutas hand. "Yuta, no. I forgot because there was so much going on-" "or you forgot because deep down you're glad to be away from me." Yuta hisses, pulling his hand back as if burned, glaring daggers at the younger. The other members didn't dare to intervene, but Donghyuck scooted a little closer to Mark while Taeyong held onto Jungwoos hand underneath the table.  
  
"God, stop being so fucking selfish!" says Sicheng, visibly angry at the other. "Oh, great, now i'm selfish for wanting to know that my goddamn boyfriend is gonna leave the country soon and we'll probably be seperated for months!" Yuta snaps back, the grip on his seat tightened.  
  
"Can you stop being so insufferable for once?" "What the hell is that supposed to mean! sometimes it feels like you don't even want me around!" Sichengs face was bright red, his bottom lip trembling in rage. "You know what, Mr. Nakamoto? sometimes i wish i never met you."  
  
All fight leaves Yutas body. He hectically pushes back his chair and sprints out off the studio, ignoring the others following and the calls of his name. Taeyong was the fastest, almost catching up to his best friend when it happens. Yuta wants to run across a street, but doesn't look both sides before crossing.   
  
A car is speeding towards Yuta, too fast to hit the breaks. The vehicle hits Yuta hard, making him fly back before hitting the ground with a sickening noise of breaking bones. A scream rings through the air. It's not Taeyong. Sicheng is staring at Yutas body in horror, hands pressed against his mouth while he wails his boyfriends name. Passengers are looking at the chinese man, but he doesn't give them any attention before sprinting to Yutas side.  
  
Sicheng falls to his knees. Yutas eyes are closed, blood is running down his forehead, nose, chin, everywhere. His chest is still. Pressing his head to Yutas heart, Sicheng listens hard, straining to hear any gurgle or murmur of life. Nothing. Hearing nothing, Sicheng can feel the shock settle into his mind, slowing it down and turning it off.  
  
"Don't leave me, Yuta. Please, don't go", he whispers as the first drop of a salty tear runs down his face. He shakes his boyfriends body. "WAKE UP! YUTA!" his screams ring through the air. Johnny and Jaehyun pull Sicheng away from Yutas body with force while Taeil kneels down and starts to press his hands down on Yutas chest with all his strength. Trying to restart Yutas heart.  
  
Sicheng can't stand anymore. He breaks down and if it weren't for Johnny and Jaehyun holding him up he might've fell to the ground.  
  
"This is my fault, my own fucking fault. I didn't mean any of what i said, god i was just so angry." he cries into Johnnys shirt. Ten joins the hug, leaning his head against Johnnys shoulder. Jaehyun leaves and walks over to Doyoung, who is sitting on the sidewalk with a shocked Donghyuck. Mark is holding the boy, both sobbing quietly.   
  
"I'm in love with him hyung and i killed him."

Sicheng whispers inbetween sobs. The sirens of an ambulance echoes through the street. "Yuta's to stubborn to die." whispers Taeyong.  
  
A hand settles down on his shoulder. He turns to see Jungwoo, dim eyes glistening with tears. And Taeyong bursts into tears. Jungwoo buries his face in Taeyongs shirt, wetting it with his tears. They just held onto each other, even as the paramedics lifted Yuta into the ambulance, two men frantically pressing down on his chest.   
  
Taeil is still sitting on the street, hands coated with blood. He stares at the red colour as the rain washes it away. He's just sitting there, drenched from rain on his knees in the middle of a busy road after bringing his friend back to life. And he feels lonely.  



	9. a ring and a red bathtub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> because everything gets worse before it can get better am i right?

The ride to the hospital was horrible, the waiting for someone to call their names and take them to Yuta was nerve-wrecking, but seeing their strong Yuta in a bed, face pale as death, hooked onto machines and eyes closed was the worst sight any of the members has ever seen.  
  
Sicheng is trembling when he makes a step forward, reaching out for Yutas lifeless body on the bed, choking back a sob when he takes Yutas cold hand in his. "Fuck", whispers Johnny behind them, looking down at Ten who had folded himself into his arms, just to not see the scene in front of him anymore.  
  
"Hyung?" a small voice asks. Donghyuck steps beside Yuta, poking his cheek. "Hyung, wake up, come on." Mark goes to be by Donghyucks side and gently removes his hands from Yuta. "Don't disturb him, okay?"  
  
A doctor enters the room, a pitiful expression on his face.  
  
"You're all here for Mr Nakamoto?" he asks, pulling out a pen from the pocket of his pants and scribbles something onto the notepad he's holding.  
  
Taeyong nods. "We're his family." the doctor nods with raised eyebrows as if to say "who the hell has a family only consisting of boys?", but he decides to stay silent.  
  
"What happened to my boyfriend?" Sichengs voice makes the others freeze. "Well, Mr Nakamoto has a broken leg, inner bleedings we've been able to stop and a serious head injury. We put him into a coma for now." Taeyong wants to scream, cry, kick something. If only he had been a little faster, held onto Yuta and not let go, he wouldn't be here right now. Jungwoo seems to sense the tension building up inside him and slips his fingers between Taeyongs, giving him a comforting squeeze.  
  
"When will he wake up?" Sicheng asks again, his eyes never leaving Yuta. "We're not sure." Sicheng slowly turns around, glaring at the doctor who gulps. "We're not sure if he's even ever going to wake up."  
  
and Sichengs world came crashing down.  
  
None of the members knew how to feel. Some let out a pained cry, others teared up. Johnnys face was a mask of nothing. Sichengs face was a hurt, twisted mask of shock before his eyes rolled back and he hit the ground with a hard noise. "Winwin!" yells Donghyuck, sprinting to his side. Doyoung helps Taeil pull the unconsicious boy onto the empty bed beside Yuta. The doctor sighs. "If he doesn't come back to his senses in like 30 minutes, tell someone to come and get me." and then he leaves the group alone.  
  
"What are we supposed to do?" whispers Mark, letting Donghyuck lean against him. The youngest looks sick. "Do you want to sit down, Hyuckie?" asks Jaehyun, offering a chair that the maknae gladly takes. "This is a nightmare." whimpers Ten, now without his human shield. Taeyong offers the thai a hug. Ten winds his arms around the leader, snuggling closer to him. _I thought i love him, but why does my heart race when Johnny even just as much as looks at me but right now with Taeyong, i feel absolutely nothing?_  
  
When Taeyong lets him go, Ten doesn't waste any time to let himself fall down onto Johnnys lap, leaning his head against the older. Johnny fondly smiles down at the boy in his arms.  
  
Taeyong watches them with an amused grin before waving Jungwoo over, who quickly takes his side, shoulders pressed against each others. "We need to take care of Sicheng hyung." says Donghyuck, worried eyes focused on his hyungs body.  
  
"Sicheng is going to feel guilty, even though the accident wasn't his fault, like, at all. Nobody knew that this asshole would hit Yuta. Who even was it? he sped off before we could catch him. And he was driving way too fast as well. It almost seemed like it was on purpose!" says Taeyong.  
  
Taeil sighs heavily, slumping down onto the floor where Doyoung was sitting. "We can't find him Tae, this is not a movie. This is real. And life doesn't work like that. You can't avenge Yuta like some kind of superhero."  
  
_I know. But i'm responsible for my members and now one of them is dying._ Jungwoo rubs Taeyongs shoulders in comfort.  
  
It takes Sicheng about an hour to wake up again. He groans, rubbing his throbbing head while sitting up. "Sicheng hyung!" Donghyuck bounces onto the bed, throwing his arms around the older. One look to the side, where he sees Yuta, makes him burst into tears. The rest of the members gather around him, with Jungwoo wiping Taeyongs and Sichengs tears away while the rest is too exhausted or tired to cry again.  
  
"We should head home", says Jaehyun, glancing over to where Donghyuck fell asleep on Marks lap and Ten was leaning against Johnny with heavy eyes. Taeyong nods, slipping from Sichengs bed and extending a hand to help the younger up.  
  
"I'm not going." says Sicheng, pulling a chair so he could sit down beside Yuta. He grabs his boyfriends hand again, playing with the lifeless fingers. Taeyong knew he couldn't convince Sicheng to come with them, so he agrees, telling him that they'll bring back new clothes in the morning. Everyone gives the chinese a hug before leaving him and Yuta behind.  
  
Donghyuck presses a kiss to Yutas cheek before Mark drags him away with sad eyes.  
  
Sichengs rests his head on Yutas stomach, letting his fingers trail upwards, over the oxygen mask put on his nose and mouth and plays with his soft hair.  
  
"I'm sorry i didn't tell you about nct china. I wanted it to be a surprise, you know? I don't get how you could ever think that i want to get rid of you, Yuta. I told you, multiple times by now, that you are the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my days by your side, but that will only work if you wake up, okay? come back to me!" pleads Sicheng with teary eyes.  
  
He pulls a little box out of his backpack, opening it. Inside are two beautiful rings, engraved with their names. Sicheng slips one of them onto his own, the other on Yutas ring finger. "I wanted to make this promise with you awake, but i think we need this now. I promise to love, cherish and support you for my entire life, until the end of this world. I want for you to come back quickly so we can talk about this ok? i love you, Yuta."  
  
Sicheng bends over Yuta, kissing the top of his head. He swears he can feel Yuta move his hand before the loud noise of one of the machines go off.  
  
Everything happens in slow motion. Sicheng gets thrown out off the room while screaming questions at the nurses. He sees them rip open Yutas shirt and massage his heart, once again. "Yuta!" he screams, hammering onto the window. A nurse places her hands on him, others help her drag him down the hallway.  
  
The last thing echo through the dark halls is a bloodcurdling scream of Yutas name.  
  
Just a few blocks away, Donghyuck is sitting in the bathtub, head resting on his knees. Sometimes it feels like Jaspers hands are still on him, like he's still pressed against the couch or the floor of the practice room with that monster ramming into him. He starts shivering despite the warmth around him.  
  
_I want this to stop!_ screams his mind. Donghyuck chokes back a sob. He can't tell, because Jisung is in danger, he can't tell because Mark will be disgusted by him and he can't tell because all the hyungs had enough problems of their own.  
  
Before he knows, there's a blade in his hands. The sharp blade of a razor that he had went and gotten when they arrived home from the hospital. Donghyuck doesn't hesitate. He lets the metall bite into his skin, lets the pain take away all the thoughts like a hungry wolf eating up his prey. He stops when he sees red lines stream down his arm. He's shaking and sobbing and the water isn't clear anymore but red.  
  
"Hey Hyuckie -" the door opens. Donghyuck wants to scream and yell for Mark to leave, but his boyfriend is already staring at him with shocked eyes. He kneels down beside the tub, holding onto Donghyucks bleeding arm. There are tears in Marks dim eyes and Donghyuck wants to die. "Hyuckie, what are you doing?"  
  
"I hurt myself", Donghyuck bit out. " I make myself bleed and it feels good. It eases the pressure inside me, but it never lasts for long." His lips trembled. "Before i slept in your bed, i'd never had a full nights sleep. Before i crawled into your arms i'd never been safe." He shuffled forward. “You give me that. You hold that power and you can take it away."  
  
Mark doesn't say anything, just slips into the water with Donghyuck, fully clothed. He opens the drain before pulling Hyuck between his legs. Donghyuck cries and cries and lets out all the hurt he's kept inside and Mark just pressed kisses into his wet hair while mumbling little i love you's.  
  
Mark bandages Donghyucks arm before they go to bed.  
  
And Mark also changes the bandage when he bleeds through about 3 hours later.  
  
And Mark is also the one to make him a new bandage in the morning.  
  
Mark is his protector.


	10. a happy couple and sad lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know what to say anymore...  
> ?i'm sorry?  
> ENJOY!!!!

To say that Johnny was surprised to have Ten seated on his lap at breakfast was an understatement. The boy didn't even ask, just sat on him like his lap was Tens rightful throne. "Uh, Tennie?" Ten glances at him, mouth full of cereal. "What?" Johnny giggles and shakes his head. "Nothing, keep eating."  
  
Taeyong comes into the kitchen and Johnny sighs at the leader. Taeyong didn't sleep well, or at all judging from the heavy eyebags underneath his dim eyes. "Yongie, how are you?" Taeyong just grunts, pouring coffee into a mug and hissing when he burns his tongue with the hot liquid.  
  
"Where's Jungwoo?" asks Ten, watching how Taeyong flinches at the mention of the other boys name. "Why are you asking me that?" Ten laughs, leaning back into Johnny who wraps his arms around the other. "Maybe because he seems glued to your side since all this shit started happening. You do know he has a boyfriend, Taeyongie, right?"   
  
"I'm sorry that not everyone has a beautiful relationship like you two do! good fucking day!" the leader yells, slamming the mug down so hard that it breaks. Taeyong lets out a cry, holding his hand to his chest. There's a deep cut running down the inner side of his hand, blood gushing out off the cut in streams.   
  
"Fuck Taeyong! can't you control your temper!" Ten is by his side within seconds, wrapping a towel around his hand. "Seems like we'll visit Yuta sooner, you'll need stitches for that. Johnny, go get the others, i'll stay with him." Johnny nods, shooting a disapproving glare into Tens direction when he pulls Taeyong to sit down between his legs, but the thai just gives Johnny a bright smile when he leaves the room.  
  
"I don't know what's wrong with me", mumbles Taeyong, watching the deep red sicker through the fabric of the towel. "It's okay Yongie, it's okay. We're all stressed, i was just waiting for you to explode. There's a lot going on for you and i get it."   
  
There's a high pitched shriek of: "Tae!" and Jungwoo kneels down in front of him, looking at this injured hand. "What did you do?" his eyes wander to the bloody porcellain shreds on top of the counter. "Oh, Taeyong." whispers Jungwoo, a mixture of pity and sadness in his beautiful eyes. Taeyong bites his lip. Ten clears his throat, helping their leader up. "Come on, we gotta go before you pass out from blood loss or something."  
  
They freeze the second they step food into the hospital. Sicheng is curled up on top of a chair in the waiting room, dried tear streaks on his cheek. The chinese boy freezes and Jaehyun gently taps his shoulders to wake him up. "Sichengie, we're back. We brought your clothes." Donghyuck waves the bag in his hand. Sicheng looks at Donghyuck, the bag, Donghyucks other hand that is holding onto Marks. He bursts into tears again, burying his head in Jaehyuns shoulder.   
  
"Sicheng, why aren't you with Yuta?" asks Taeyong, his lip trembling. Maybe it's from the blood loss. "He's dead, Taeyong, his heart stopped and i don't know what happened oh my god i'm sure he's dead-" rambles Sicheng.   
  
_The world is spinning_ , Taeyong thinks. He wants to step forward, but his legs give in. _Did someone open the windows? why is it so cold?_ Taeyong is on the floor. _Why? how did i get here?_ he can hear his own breathing grow heavy and unsteady.   
  
"Taeyong." echoes through his head. Taeyong forces himself to open his eyes. Taeyong. He takes in a sharp breath. It's too bright, everything is too bright. "Okay, come on i'll shield your eyes." says a calm voice. Jungwoo. He is sitting im front of Taeyong, who's leaning against a wall.   
  
"Breathe with me, come on!" Jungwoo tries to get Taeyong to focus, but the other is so deep in his panic attack that he won't budge. "I heard it helps if you make them hold their breath!" says an older lady in the room to Jungwoo. _I don't believe this is how it works_. He thinks, but he has to do something before Taeyong hyperventilates, so he leans forward and smashes their lips together. A shocked gasp comes from the other members. Taeyongs breath hitches in his throat. They part, staring into each others eyes. Jungwoo looks dazed from their kiss, as if he was stoned on the feeling of Taeyongs lips on his.  
  
Jungwoos hand cups the back of Taeyongs neck, and before Taeyong can think, Jungwoo dips down and their mouths meet again. For a split second Taeyong worries that Jungwoo thinks he's kissing Lucas. But that instant the warmth of his soft lips spreads into Taeyongs, all thoughts dissolve. Pure feeling is all he has left. Little electric sparks sip through Taeyongs bloodstream, making sure every nerve in his body is focused on Jungwoos amazing mouth.  
  
"What the fuck", whispers Taeil, glaring at them when a doctor enters the scene. "Anyone here for Mr Nakamoto?" Sicheng was up in an instant, clinging to the doctors sleeve with wide, desperate eyes.  
  
"Is he dead?" asks Doyoung abruptly, everyone holding their breath while waiting for an answer. "No." Sicheng falls to the ground, relief flooding through him. "But it was a close call. Mr Nakamoto must have a ton of guardian angels."   
  
"Can we see him?" asks Mark. The doctor nods. "But you young man", he grabs Taeyongs arm, "will come with me so i can stitch up your hand." Jungwoo sticks to Taeyongs side when the doctor leads him into a room, a nurse bringing the others to Yuta.  
  
"There's something going on with Jungwoo and Tae", mumbles Donghyuck, squeezing Marks hand. "I know, Hyuckie. But this is not our business to meddle in."   
  
The day spend with Yuta is depressing. Sicheng doesn't speak, just sits down beside his boyfriend and plays with his fingers and hair until they get thrown out.  
  
Johnny and Taeil drag Sicheng away from the hospital, the chinese boy hanging heavy between their bodies.   
  
Doyoung wants to go to a restaurant. They sit Sicheng down, fussing over the younger. Donghyuck snuggles into Sichengs side. Both quietly sharing their pain with each other. Mark makes Donghyuck eat, even when the younger throws a temper tantrum. Taeyong is leaning against Jaehyun, who worriedly looks down at his friend.  
  
Sicheng doesn't eat.  
  
They come back to the dorms in uncomfortable silence. Donghyuck slips into his bed without waiting for Mark. Mark stares after his boyfriend in wonder. He wanted to go after him, ask all the questions that had been burning inside of him since he had found Hyuck with bleeding arms. He doesn't. Instead he thinks the younger wants to be alone, so he takes a shower.  
  
Donghyuck will have to face Jasper again tomorrow for a practice.  
  
Johnny and Ten leave into their room together, melting into each others warmth and comfort. Ten kisses Johnny and Johnny kisses back. Ten cries a little and Johnny wipes his tears away.  
  
They fall asleep tangled up in each other, no words needed to say how much they love each other.  
  
Jungwoo and Taeyong end up in bed together. Taeyong doesn't know how things escalated so quickly. One minute they were cuddling, then they were kissing and now he is sitting on top of Jungwoo, naked and sweaty. The younger boys fingers claw into the milky skin of his hips, rocking him a bit to get inside a bit deeper. Taeyong lets out a quiet moan, closing his eyes. When Jungwoo hits the bundles of nerves inside of him, it's like stars exploded behind his eyelids.  
  
Jungwoo sits up, holding Taeyong even closer, letting the older bury his head in his neck while Taeyong rides up and down his length with force. "You're so fucking beautiful", says Jungwoo, pressing little kisses onto Taeyongs shoulder.  
  
The moment is perfect, filled with love, warmth and pure bliss. Taeyongs heart is swelling with happiness and the fond look in Jungwoos eyes is only meant for him. Taeyong almost cries. Jungwoo notices, smiles and softly kisses Taeyongs eyelids.  
  
"Jungwoo?" Taeyongs head whips around. Lucas is standing on the open door, a plastic bag in his hand. He's staring at the two boys in front of him with teary eyes.   
  
"Lucas." mumbles Jungwoo, shock on his face. Lucas is just standing there. He isn't shouting, or punching Taeyong, or throwing things at them. He's just standing there, flushed face and tears running down his face. Lucas wants to speak, but his voice cracks immediately, so he just lets the bag fall to the floor, junk food spilling over the floor, and storms out of the dorm.  
  
Taeil sees Lucas storming past, grabs his arm. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Jungwoo and Taeyong are fucking." hisses Lucas. Then he's gone.  
  
"I thought you told him." says Taeyong, blanket pulled over his body. Jungwoo has silent tears run down his face, throat, drip onto the beige blanket. "I didn't have time to. I didn't see him for days. Then Yutas accident happened. I wanted to tell him, Taeyong, i promise."   
  
"Why? why did you do all of this?" asks Taeyong quietly. "Because i'm in love with you." says Jungwoo. And Taeyong explodes. He grabs a pillow, repeatedly smacking Jungwoo with it, hurling slurs at him. "Go! leave! fuck off! i don't want to see you!"  
  
Jungwoo stumbles when Taeyong shoves him outside. The older throws Jungwoos clothes after him, smacking the door closed without looking at him again.   
  
Taeyong lets himself fall down onto his bed again, curling into himself. The door opens once again. "I SAID FUCK OFF!" he screams. "Taeyong." Taeil sits down beside him, reaching out to softly stroke the younger boys sides. "I know what happened. You'll be okay." says Taeil again, pulling the other into his lap and running his fingers through his hair.   
  
"Sleep, Yongie, you'll feel better when you wake up."  



	11. light and darkness - FINALE PART 1/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get ready for the beginning of the end :)

Taeil never thought he would die like this, on his knees like a helpless child, eyes widened in fear and freezing rain drops run down his face and soaking his shirt while a gun is pointed at his forehead. He shivers, turning to look at his members one last time. The man in front of him bares his teeth, tightening the grip on the weapon in his hands. "Any last words?" he asks. Taeil locks eyes with Taeyong, who is held back by Jungwoo. "I'm sorry." he whispers, staring intensely at every single one of the boys in front of him. Trying to memorize their faces. He didn't know what he was sorry for. Maybe for leaving, maybe for not doing enough. Maybe for the sight they'd have to endure the second the bullet would drill through his skull. "HYUNG!"

**24hr before**

Jungwoo is stumbling through the dark night. _Taeyong hates you, Lucas hates you, Taeil hates you and all the other members will hate you as well when Taeyong tells them what happened._ Out off breath, Jungwoo slides down a wall, sitting down on the cold sidewalk. There's an empty bottle of whiskey in Jungwoos hand and he lets it go and watches in statisfaction as it rolls away. There's a police car in front of him. A pissed off looking cop is walking up to him, a frown on his face. Jungwoo watches the way his muscles move underneath his uniform. "Hey you there, you ok?" "No." hisses Jungwoo, trying to stand up but failing to do so. 

The cop catches him, helping him stand. "Okay okay calm down. We'll take you home, ok? just tell me what happened and who you are." Jungwoo sobs quietly. "I fucked up and i had an affair with my best friend and my partner found out and i'm a useless piece of shit because i love both of them more than my life." The cop looks annoyed, like Jungwoo's giving him a headache. He wants to explain everything to him that its really not as screwed up as it all sounds, but then Jungwoo remembers that it is.

"Jungwoo?" asks a familiar voice. Jasper. The older man lets Jungwoo lean against him for support. "You know this guy?" the cop asks, pointing at Jungwoo. Jasper nods. "I'll take him home."

Jungwoo doesn't remember much. His view is blurred and Jaspers grip on him is tight and threatening. He gets thrown on top of a bed while Jasper rips his own and then Jungwoos clothes off. The younger just lays there, without putting up a fight. Instead, he closes his eyes, a silent tear running down his cheek while the older man on top of him groans and presses his body deeper into the blankets.  _I deserve this._ Jungwoo blacks out.

The next morning Jungwoo wakes up with an aching body. He wants to sit up and rub his eyes, but he soon finds out that his right hand is cuffed to the bed. His heart starts racing. "Jasper!" Jungwoo screams, unsuccessfully trying to twist his wrist out off the metall cuff. Nothing, just silence. He's alone, in a bedroom he doesn't know, with a bad hangover. There's dried blood on his boxers and legs. Jungwoo wants to throw up.

At the NCT dorm Taeyong wakes up in Taeils arms. He doesn't speak when they stand up to get ready to visit Yuta. "Did Jungwoo come home?" he asks the others, but everyone shakes their head. Nobody has seen or been able to contact Jungwoo since Taeyong had thrown him out. A bad feelings wrenched his gut. "He's probably passed out in a bar or something, Tae. Don't worry too much. You know how he can get." Jaehyun says, mouth full of cereal. 

Sicheng looked like death. He came out off his room, probably with no sleep, letting Doyoung gently guide him to the breakfast table. He ignored every attempt of the other members to make him eat.

The hospital seemed friendlier today. The nurses passing the group of boys by where all in a good mood. "We're here to see Nakamoto Yuta." Johnny says. The doctor came around the corner, a wide smile on his lips when he saw the nct members. "Boys! good news!" Sicheng perked up at the words. "He's not awake yet, but about to wake up every moment! it's really a miracle, but his body seemed to have healed overnight." Taeyong laughed in relief when he saw Sicheng jump up and down, clapping his hands like a child. "Come on guys, seeing you after waking up will surely comfort him."

 _Yuta is moving his hands,_ mumbles Taeyong brain, making the leader almost burst into tears. He suddenly felt cold when looking at Ten, who was in Johnnys arms and Donghyuck, cuddled up with Mark. There was no Jungwoo to hold him this time. Maybe he's never going to hold Taeyong ever again. Sicheng kneels down beside the bed, tugging Yutas hair behind his ears and grabbing the japanese mans hand, rubbing circles into the soft skin. "Yuta, it's Sicheng. It's time to wake up, baby." a weak mumble of  _Sicheng,_ escapes Yutas lips and the chinese feels tears build up in his eyes from happiness. 

The members wait four more hours before a quiet groan signals to them that Yuta is waking up once and for all. Donghyuck squeezes Marks hand almost painfully the second Yutas eyes opened and the warm, brown orbs searched for them. "Sicheng." Sicheng smiles. "I'm here, baby. You'll be okay." Yuta lets his head fall back into the pillow, weak and exhausted from being in a coma. "I was so afraid, Yuta. You died in front of my eyes twice." Yuta turns his head, locking eyes with his boyfriend. "But i'm okay now, right? i won't leave you again."  
  
Taeil steps forward, leaning down to hug Yuta lovingly. "Yuta, i know it's hard to think right now, but do you remember who hit you that day? did you see a face?" Yutas eyes darkened. "I do." Taeil nods, tapping his fingers against Yutas shoulder. "Can you tell us who it was?" The younger boy sighs. "I don't know if i hallucinated or not." Sicheng strokes Yutas cheek with a fond expression in his eyes. "It's okay baby, just tell us." the mood in the room dropped when Yuta opened his mouth again. "It was Jasper hyung."

"Jasper hyung? but why? what motive does he have?" Johnny asks in shock. "He's not as innocent as all of you think." Donghyuck suddenly spoke up, his entire body trembling in fear. "Hyuckie? what's wrong?" Ten says. "There's something i need to tell you all. There's something that happened to me." Doyoung comfortingly past Donghyucks shoulder, earning a glare from Mark. "No matter what it is, Hyuck. You can tell us anything."

and so everything poured out off the boys mouth, how Jasper made him uncomfortable, touched him in the bathroom, raped him in their living room and then made him stay back just to rape him again. He didn't say anything about the threats, not wanting the hyungs to worry for nothing. At the end Donghyuck was a crying mess, crumbling to the ground and finding comfort in Marks arms who kneels beside him, silent tears running down his cheek. "I knew it, fuck. I saw that something was wrong but didn't wanna push you to tell." Yuta says, his hands balled into fists.

"I should have seen it coming." The words don’t surprise Mark, but they piss him off. He pulls away and glares down at Donghyuck. "Don’t you fucking dare, Lee Donghyuck. Don’t you dare put this on yourself. You should never have to see shit like this coming." The younger backs away, stunned and afraid by the intensity Mark knew is radiating off him. "Mark, I just meant he’s always shown—" "Stop. Just stop right there. Yes, he did gave signs, but that's no fucking excuse for what he did."

Everyone is so busy with comforting Donghyuck that they don't notice a fuming Johnny slip out off the room, leaving a confused Ten behind.

Johnnys quick steps echoed through the hallway of the SM building. He rips open the door to the practice room and steps inside, glaring dangerously at Jasper who was warming up. "Oh, Johnny!" he says, waving at him. "You're too early for practice." Johnny doesn't hesitate to throw the first punch, knocking Jasper to the floor. It feels like there's liquid fire pulsing through his veins. Blind from anger, Johnny keeps punching until Jaspers face is nothing but a bloody mess. "This is for Donghyuck and Yuta. Crawl back into the hole you came out off, because soon you won't be working for SM anymore. I'll make sure of that." spits Johnny out before escaping the scene.

The members were back at the dorm, minus Yuta and Sicheng, who wanted to stay in the hospital with his boyfriend until he got discharged. Donghyuck was wrapped up into a bundle of blankets in Marks bed, with all the NCT members cuddled up beside him. "I'm worried for Jungwoo. Where is he?" asks the maknae, sighing in distress. "I'm sure he'll be home soon." Taeyong says, smiling.  _I'm not sure._ he thinks. Donghyuck also doesn't look like he believes him, just like the rest.

"Where even is Johnny? he just stormed off." Doyoung mumbles, sipping on his tea. Ten shrugs. "He's a grown man, he can leave whenever he wants to." "Damn right." Johnny steps into the room, a statisfied grin on his lip. "What happened hyung!" gasps Mark, looking at Johnnys bloodied knuckles. Ten jumps up, taking a closer look at his boyfriend. "Are you hurt? what the fuck!" Johnny gently kisses Ten to shut him up, making the younger blush furiously. Jaehyun fake gags.

"I went to teach Jasper a lesson."  
  
Donghyucks blood turns to pure alaska ice. Jasper knew that he told the others. He would seek revenge. And Jisung was at home, unknowing and unprotected. "Jisung!" he says, earning a confused look from his hyungs. He didn't care that he was in pyjamas. Donghyuck runs. He runs down the stairway, almost slips and falls, ignores the members calls for him and footsteps following him. He had to get to Jisung before it was too late.

Jungwoo was still cuffed to the bed when Jasper came back. His wrist was numb, a bruise forming on the spot where the metall cut into his skin. "Hyung." says Jungwoo, fear invading every centimeter of his body. "Shut the fuck up whore." Jasper slaps him straight in the face. Tears burn in Jungwoos eyes, but he doesn't want to give this monster the statisfaction of seeing him cry. Jasper begins to shove clothes into a bag, throwing his wallet in there, too. 

"What are you doing!" hisses Jungwoo when Jasper shoulders the bag and turns to the door, keys in his hand. "I have some...business to finish and after that i'm leaving this shitty country." Jungwoo gasps. "What about me! let me go! i'll die in here without food or water! this is murder!" a wicked grin spreads across Jaspers cracked lips and bruised face. 

"I know." and then the door is closed and Jungwoo is alone, in a dark room, no food or water near and no way to escape.


	12. guns and bullets FINALE PART 2/2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it was a long ass ride,  
> thanks so much to everyone who supported me and this fanfiction. 
> 
> to set the mood, you should listen to "way down we go" by Kaleo!

Jasper slowly makes his way into Jisungs room. The lights are off, signaling to the older man that the maknae must be asleep. He strides over to where he can make out a human-shaped figure underneath the blanket, shaking Jisungs shoulders to wake him up. The youngest yawns, rubbing the sleep out off his eyes.  
  
"Hyung? what are you doing here?" asks Jisung, looking up confused. "Shut up!" hisses Jasper. "Wha-" Jisung gets cut off when Jasper quickly binds a gag around the boys mouth.   
  
He smashes Jisungs head into the pillow, muffling the younger boys cries even more. Jisungs heart stops the second Jasper pulls down his sweatpants and boxers along with them. "You can thank your hyungs for this." whispers Jasper into Jisungs ear, tugging his hair behind his back and stroking his cheek when he sees the tears escaping Jisungs eyes.  
  
Jisung struggles, trying to free himself from the iron-grip Jasper has on his wrists that he keeps pinned against the bed. Jaspers hand runs down Jisungs back, slipping underneath his shirt. The maknae lets out a noise of protest, kicking around with his legs only to whimper in pain when Jasper decides to sit on them.  
  
Jisung can hear the sound of Jasper unzipping his pants. He wants to throw up from fear. There are cold hands on his thighs, spreading apart his legs with force.   
  
"Get the fuck off my baby!" Taeyong. Jisung rips open his eyes, staring at the door where his hyungs keep storming in. Johnny, Taeyong and Taeil pull Jasper away from Jisung, with Hyuck and Mark cuddling up to the frightened maknae.  
  
Everyone is so distracted by the terrified youngest that nobody notices how Jasper crawls to his bag. "Jisung!" the dreamies and Kun were standing in the door, confusion written all over their faces. Chenle wants to skip over to his best friend when Jasper grabs him, putting a gun to his head.  
  
"Back off!" he yells at Doyoung who took a step forward. Jaehyun pulls him back, keeping his arm protectively around him.   
  
"Jasper, if you do this you can be arrested for murder, okay? put the gun down." Chenles eyes flicker to Taeyong. He was their leader, he always protected him, he would in this situation too, right?  
  
"That didn't stop me with Jungwoo either." says Jasper, a wicked grin on his lips. All colour gets drained from Taeyongs face. His hands start shaking. "Where is he?" asks Taeyong, voice trembling. "Where the fuck is my boyfriend?" everyones eyes turn to Taeyong.  
  
"Where is he?" Taeyong launches at Jasper but Mark grabs him, pulling their furious leader back. "Calm down Taeyong, or else there'll be a hole in Chenles head soon."  
  
"Hyung", begs Chenle, eyes sparkling with tears. Taeyong never felt so helpless in his life.  
  
Taeil stares back at Jasper, face a hard mask of nothingness. "You want to have a hostage to escape, right?" Jasper frowns, tightening his grip on Chenles throat who whines. "Take me, let Chenle go. I'm worth more to the company, you will get more money out off it." Ten reaches out to hold Taeil back, but he just smiles softly and pulls his arm out off the thais grip. "Hyung! don't! take me instead, leave Taeil alone." yells Kun, struggling in Jaemins and Jenos hands.   
  
Jasper grins. "Now we're talking." he pushes Chenle away, who stumbles into Donghyucks open arms. Mark is holding Jisung to his chest. The gun is pointed at Taeils head. "We're going. If anyone tries to follow me, Taeil is dead."  
  
The door shuts. The members unfreeze, running to the door, frantically screaming for Taeil. They hear a car drive off.  
  
Taeyong sinks to the ground. "Is Jungwoo dead?" he says quietly. "No, he's not okay, Taeyong?" Lucas. The boy came out off nowhere, but now he's kneeling down in front of their leader, his hand pressed to his own chest to help him breathe through his anxiety attack. "Fuck, Lucas..." the other shakes his head with a sad smile. "Don't say anything. It's okay." Lucas lets Taeyong fall into his arms. And he continues to hold him until his sobs quiet down.  
  
"I called the cops on Jasper, i saw his license plate." says Johnny.  
  
"I think i know where he is." says Renjun. "Jasper hyung tried to make me go home with him, i know where he lives. Jungwoo must be there."  
  
After making sure that Jisung was safe with the dreamies and Kun, the rest including Renjun and Jeno went with the others to find Jaspers dorm.  
  
It was shabby and dirty and the smell made them want to throw up. "Renjun, Jeno, you two go home okay? stick together and only use public streets. If anything goes wrong, call me." Jeno nods, taking Renjuns hand and pulling him along.  
  
Jaehyun and Johnny were the ones to break down the door.   
  
"Jungwoo!" Taeyong and Lucas screamed. "Here! i'm here!" came a weak voice from the bedroom. Taeyong was running, throwing open the door. Donghyucks shocked gasp rang through the air. Jungwoo was still sitting on the bed, cuffed to it, bruises blossoming on his naked torso and blood everywhere.  
  
"Everything hurts, Taeyong, please make it stop." cries Jungwoo. Mark and Donghyuck help drag a blanket over Jungwoos shivering body. Doyoung unlocks the handcuffs. Taeyong is still standing in the door.  
  
"Hey, Yongie. Go, he needs you." whispers Ten, giving him a push. Taeyong sits down beside Jungwoo, fingers ghosting over the exposed boy. "What the fuck happened?" Jungwoo jumps into his arms, sobbing into Taeyongs shoulder. "He raped me, Taeyong, he raped me." Lucas sits down behind Jungwoo, hugging him close. "I don't deserve you two, i fucked up so badly." says Jungwoo, enjoying being in the middle of the two boys he loved. Lucas sighs.   
  
"It's okay, you know? you two should be together. Our relationship was breaking apart anyway. My heart also found a new home." says Lucas. Jungwoo smiles widely. "Who is it?" asks Taeyong, leaning his head against Jungwoos. "Renjun." mumbles Lucas, a faint blush spreading across his cheeks.  
  
"Fuck guys we have to go!" says Mark suddenly, staring at his phone. Donghyuck frowns at his boyfriend, holding onto the older boys hand. "Yuta texted me. Jasper is in the street where the hospital is. The police caught him."  
  
The nct members stepped into the street where they could hear the police car sirens. Rain was falling from the sky, splattering onto the ground. "STAY AWAY!" echoed Jaspers voice through the street. The man was waving the gun around, Taeil, hands and feet tied together was kneeling on the ground in front of him. The second he saw his members his eyes lit up with happiness.  
  
The police men were holding their guns up, shouting commands around.  
  
"Taeil hyung!" yelled Donghyuck. Jasper turns around, staring at the group of boys. "What the fuck are you doing here! Why is he alive?!" he screams, pointing at Jungwoo. Taeyong pulls Jungwoo behind him, glaring at Jasper.   
  
"I should've killed you when i had the chance!" Jasper pulls the trigger. Taeyong hears a scream before he's thrown to the ground. "Lucas!" that's Doyoung. And he sounds terrified. Taeyong whips around, jumping up again. There's a hole in Lucas shoulder. Blood is soaking his shirt. Jungwoo catches the boy before he falls to the ground. Taeyong runs over to them, falling to his knees in the rain.   
  
"Lucas..." Taeyong brushes Lucas soaked hair out off his pale face. "I'll be fine, hyung. Go save Taeil." Jaehyun and Doyoung pull Lucas up. "We'll take care of him, okay?"  
  
The police mens guns were now unlocked. "You have 30 seconds to put down your gun!" Jaspers laugh rings in their ears. "Okay, but before i'll shoot another one!"   
  
Taeil never thought he would die like this, on his knees like a helpless child, eyes widened in fear and freezing rain drops run down his face and soaking his shirt while a gun is pointed at his forehead. He shivers, turning to look at his members one last time. The man in front of him bares his teeth, tightening the grip on the weapon in his hands. "Any last words?" he asks. Taeil locks eyes with Taeyong, who is held back by Jungwoo. "I'm sorry." he whispers, staring intensely at every single one of the boys in front of him. Trying to memorize their faces. He didn't know what he was sorry for. Maybe for leaving, maybe for not doing enough. Maybe for the sight they'd have to endure the second the bullet would drill through his skull. "HYUNG!"  
  
Donghyucks scream comes in the same time as the sound of anothed voice. Sicheng. The chinese boy is suddenly behind Jasper, distracting him from Yuta, who pulls Taeil onto his back and stumbles away. Before Jasper can react, multiple guns start shooting at once.  
  
Jaspers entire body is shaking, blood splashing out off the many bullet holes in his chest like a fountain. Sicheng is sprinting, falling into Yutas arms, head pressed into the other boys chest.  
  
And then there's silence.   
  
"It's over." says Ten, cuddling to Taeil with the rest of the other boys, all quietly crying together, holding onto the oldest member.  
  
Jasper was dead is what they get told by their management. They get time off to recover.   
  
Taeyong and Jungwoo, now an official couple keep visiting Lucas in hospital, spending a lot of time with the other. They learn to trust one another again. Taeyong adores the sweet relationship Lucas and Renjun have. Taeyong tells Jungwoo he loves him and Jungwoo says it back.  
  
Sicheng helps Yuta adjust again. There are times where he's more forgetful than before, but the chinese makes sure to help his boyfriend feel as normal as possible. Sicheng loves Yuta, Yuta loves Sicheng. Like always. They will get married in six months.  
  
Johnny and Ten are just fine, they keep a close eye on Jisung and Chenle, take daily trips with the dreamies and Kun. They enjoy every single moment they have together.  
  
Taeil sticks close to Jaehyun and Doyoung who become protective of the oldest. Maybe even something more than friendship blossomes between them. Every morning Taeyong would find all three of them cuddled up against each other. He choses not to comment on it.  
  
Then there's Donghyuck and Mark. Mark does his best to comfort his boyfriend from daily nightmares. He accompanies him to theraphy sessions. But it's hard.   
  
Mark finds Donghyuck on the rooftop as always in the night. The younger is wrapped in a blanket and staring at the twinkling stars. Mark sits down beside him, letting the other nuzzle into his side. "Will we be okay?" asks Donghyuck quietly. Mark locks down into Donghyucks warm eyes and smiles fondly. "Yes, Hyuckie, we'll be just fine." Hyuck sighs. "I know i don't say it a lot, but i love you, Mark Lee." the older almost cries in joy. "I love you too, Lee Donghyuck." and then Mark is kissing Hyuck, inhaling his boyfriend, feeling the way warmth spreads through him like liquid fire. He does his best to remember the way Donghyuck melts into him, moans into his mouth.  
  
Mark pulls away, kissing the tip of Hyucks nose. "Just look at the stars, Hyuckie. They're endless, like the universe in your eyes, like my love for you."  
  
Taeyong is leaning against Jungwoo. They followed the two to make sure they'd be alright. "They're cute, right?" Taeyong chuckles. "Yes, they are." Jungwoo looks up at the nightsky.  
  
"It's strange to see who we are after everything happened." Taeyongs fingers glide between Jungwoos. "Maybe they had to happen." Jungwoo nods. "Maybe. But that's fine. As long as i'm with you, i can survive anything."  
  
Taeyong kisses Jungwoo, longingly, passionately and so deeply that they get lost in each other.  
  
All of them would be just fine.  



	13. BONUS: deleted scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in celebration of this fanfic hitting 10k !!! hits,   
> here you have some deleted scenes from all the previous chapters :)
> 
> <3 thanks to everyone who read this story.

**chapter 4:** surprising coffee and broken hearts  
 **scene:** Johnny running after Ten when he leaves the practice room in a hurry

„Ten!“ Johnny kept on calling for the younger, but he got ignored. Violent sobs echoed from the walls, such a tortured noise that Johnny could feel his heart break for the other. Ten escapes into the bathroom, sprinting into a stall and locking the door behind him.

„Ten.“ says Johnny again, in a gentle tone. He slides down in front of the locked door and sighs heavily. „Why did you run away Ten?“ nothing. Ten stayed silent.

„You probably don't want to talk, and that's okay, but I want you to know that I'm here for you, Ten. Remember the first time I met you? you were a little intimidated boy who was snatched from his ordinary life in Thailand and couldn't find his way around. I swore I'd take care of you back then, so I'll do the same. I don't know what's hurting you, but your heart is too valuable for you to let someone break it.“

Johnny could hear the door open and the next second Ten threw himself into his arms. His face pressed into Johnny's shirt he cried so bitterly that Johnny felt every sob like an earthquake through his body.

Johnny lovingly stroked through Tens hair. „Everything's gonna be all right. Ten. I promise you.“

  
 **chapter 6:** a hurting Donghyuck and a heartsick Taeyong  
 **scene:** Taeyong and Jungwoo made out, Jungwoo got a phone call, Taeyong feels bad about himself

Jungwoo was still on his phone. Taeyong was getting impatient, keeping himself busy by counting the stars in the nightsky. Pathetic. He was and felt pathetic, but he couldn’t bring himself to stand up and walk away, not while there was a chance that he might get to kiss Jungwoo again after he hung up on Lucas.

Finally he heard Jungwoo whisper a quick goodbye into his phone and Jungwoo returned to his spot next to Taeyong. He let his phone fall onto the gravel beside him and slipped onto Taeyongs lap with a mischievous grin.

„Let’s continue where we left off, okay?“ he says and before Taeyong can react, Jungwoos cold lips are already pressed against his own once again.

 **chapter 9:** a ring and a red bathtub  
 **scene:** they arrive at the hospital, deleted: Sicheng comforts Taeil

It was nerve-wrecking, waiting for someone to call for them and lead them to Yutas room, but it was even worse for Taeil. He sat in his chair, keeping his eyes on his bloody hands. Was he enough? was Yuta still alive? was he able to bring him back? a hand on his back brings Taeil back into reality.

An exhausted Sicheng kneels in front of him and wipes the blood from Taeils hands with gentle motions. „Thank you, Taeil hyung. For saving Yuta when i couldn’t. I wouldn’t know what to do if he…if he was…“ Taeil stops the trembling chinese in front of him and caresses his cheek softly. „You don’t have to thank me, Sicheng. I did what i had to to save my friend. And don’t think for one second that Yuta could ever be mad at you. It’s not your fault.“

Sicheng nods, already turning his attention to the nurse who called for them.

 **chapter 12:** guns and bullets  
 **scene:** after everyone leaves to get Jungwoo, Jisung comforts Chenle

The older boy was still shaking in his arms. Jisung already wrapped him in blankets, brought him a hot pack and even heated up cacao, but he just wouldn’t stop trembling. Jisung sighs, turning to get the fifth blanket when Chenles hand around his wrist makes him freeze.

„Don’t, Jisungie. I’m sweating.“ Chenles voice sounds so broken that Jisung had to bite his lip to stop himself from bursting into tears.

„I’m sorry, hyung.“ says Jisung. Chenle raises his eyebrow at the younger. „What for?“ Jisung nervously fiddles with his hands. „I couldn’t protect you when Jasper pulled a gun out and aimed at you and i was even too much of a coward to take your place like Kun wanted to do.“

Chenle taps Jisungs shoulder, a sign for the other to look at him. Jisung wasn’t prepared for Chenle to lean forward and press a kiss onto his lips. „It’s okay Jisung. I wouldn’t have known what to do in your position either. You don’t even know how angry i would’ve been at you if you had put yourself in danger anyway. Now come cuddle.“

Jisung blushes furiously while sliding under the blankets next to Chenle. He hides his face in the others chest and snuggles closer, bathing in the comforting atmosphere. Chenle was okay. He was right here with him.

**Author's Note:**

> i'd be very thankful for kudos and comments!<3


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